Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Internal Debate

Me: I think I'm going to kill Soapy Water.

Me: But you love Soapy Water. You at least have to keep the archives!

Me: But the archives make me want to cringe. All that bloviating about the "idiots" at The Kid's schools, all the "thank God for psychiatric medications..." It's just a big emblem of the wrong path, the lost years...

Me: And yet, that's what got you and The Kid here.

Me: But where are we? Who wants to read about it?

Me: You know people will read it, the people who love you will.

Me: Yeah, we can't all be as famous as Mr. Lady. But the posts aren't coming out any more. I'm too self aware. I've lost that voice, I've certainly lost all semblance of hip-mom that seems to be prerequisite for mom-blogging.

Me: Dude, you were never "hip."

Me: True. But I thought I was. I have lost something. I can't describe it. And I'm suddenly gunshy. I can't be as opinionated as I once was, ever since every assertion I made about The Kid being bipolar turned out to be The Kid reacting poorly to the meds he was on, not at all bipolar.

Me: Yeah, and then the Asperger's Diagnosis.

Me: Autism Spectrum. I'm a newbie. I'm at a loss. I don't know anything, I'm fumbling around in the dark with what to do. And then there's the fear that just because the Asperger's fits today, it all makes some sense, I know in my heart of hearts I made bipolar fit, like a world view to help me fight. What if I'm wrong about this one too?

Me: But you read the books and you see those similarities. Your friends, all their stories. The years where he didn't sleep, even without meds screwing up his circadian rythyms, the hard times with haircuts and dentists, the vocal self-stimulatory behavior, the narrow interests, the hyper-focus, the social stuff, the sensory stuff. And don't forget the approach.

Me: The approach to Asperger's is the thing that makes me confident in his treatment, that's for sure. If the child is acting out, or seeking sensory stimuli, to what aim? What is the root cause of the behavior? Isn't that the best question ever?

Me: It's my favorite. After years and years of "if he's acting out, let's increase his dosage another .5 miligrams." I think you need to leave the old behind and start a new chapter. Part II of sorts, without moving the actual website, or so I hear...

Me: Part II. I guess it's worth a try. I can't promise anything.


Mr Lady said...

What touches me most, what I love most, about this blog, Molly, is the progression of it. The step by step process. Someone IS going to need all of this. You have to keep it, you have to keep going forward.

Even if no one else finds it, or needs it, WE need it. Those of us who love you both. We need to hear it. Because we're all taking these steps with you, baby.

Zoeyjane said...

Um. Yeah, you really can't kill it, so then I won't have you to stalk secretly. Which I guess I've ruined, now. That whole secret part. Everything teaches, right?

GMOM said...

Please don't kill this post. I have a son with High Functioning Autism/Asperger's. I look forward to reading about your son. It helps to know someone else is going through the same thing as I am. You have affected me whether you realize it or not.

Lorna said...

Please don't kill it. I know it's been a journey for you, but it's important for other parents searching for the right diagnosis for their kid to be able to see that the doctors can be and often are wrong. That all of this Autism/Aspergers/Bipolar/ADHD stuff overlaps. There are many symptoms that are common to several. There is no blood test or brain scan that will tell you exactly which one your kids has. You figure it out through trial and error. And as a parent you don't beat yourself up for the error part. You keep trying, and keep pestering the doctors, and keep fighting for your child until you find what works. Your blog is all of that.

wrongshoes said...

I'll be reading.

And I'm wondering what you've read about Asperger's. That list would be a great next post!

My DS also has trouble sleeping, vocal self-stimulatory behaviors, narrow interests, and hyper-focus. I'd love to know what I should be reading to see if I should pursue a diagnosis.

And I think your self-doubt is the sign of someone who thinks about stuff. If you didn't continue to question, I'd be a lot more concerned.

Leslie Dillinger said...

Ugh. Don't kill it! Please? But see, I say that and I've been thinking about killing my blog, and maybe starting over when I'm in a different place, employed, and with a better perspective. So I don't know. I understand about the posts not coming anymore, though. I'm right there with you. But know that we love you and will always read you.

Stephany said...

Please keep writing!

Diane said...

I'm back to the same place. I rarely feel like blogging about much as I have too much going on with issues with Harley and school. Our life seems smaller and the issues bigger.

How is The Kid doing?

Anonymous said...

Wow... you've been blogging for a long time! That's impressive and wonderful!

Kath said...

Please don't.

Several years ago I was starting to see a guy who was oddly quirky. The more we got to know each other, the more frustrating it became due to his behavior which was unlike any guy I had known.

So I researched his symptoms and suggested he see a therapist as he fit the Asperger's description to a T. And that's what he was diagnosed as having.

After being told all his life he was retarded (he was not- he's brilliant in math and politics...not so much in social areas or romance) he finally felt relieved that there was a name for why he acted how he acted.

Blogs helped me help him. It really was/is that simple.

Not saying this to guilt you into keeping your blog...no, not at all. Just wanted to suggest that your blog may help more people than you will ever know.

BCC said...

Wow. Glad you didn't kill it. Today is May 19th and I just discovered it (yesterday, actually but it's 4am and I'm still reading).

My 5 y.o. daughter is SPD, but presents very similar to Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism. SPD kids can do that. I don't have a sense (yet) from your writing how much emotional affect your son has, but he sounds a great deal like my daughter. You should read something by Stanley Greenspan. In any case, the treatment for ASD and SPD is essentially the same.

Anyway, thanks again for not killing the blog. I think it's great. Good luck on your journey.

I will now recommence reading your blog back to its earliest beginnings.