So, handily, Mr. Lady came forth with a meme in which she interviews me, to get me off of the couch and onto the computer desk chair, the other place I waste my time. So, here goes:
Leave me a comment saying "Interview me." I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions. If you don't have a valid email address on your blog, please provide one. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
#1: Your choices are: remain single for the rest of your life or practice polygamy. Which do you choose and why?
I'm all about communes. My high school sweetheart was born in an ashram and I used to annoy the hell out of him by asking his parents to tell me their stories about making their own soap and how all the hippies got together to birth babies and that time they all lived in a tee pee for a year. One time in college, a jewish friend had me just about ready to sign up to live in a kibbutz after I graduated, but then I woke up the next morning with a massive hangover so instead I went out for bacon and eggs.
However, I cannot abide the paternalistic bullshit that I'm assuming comes with living in a polygamous family. Man of the house and ruler of his wives and all that. Plus, would I have to be like, fundamental LDS and stuff? I can't do that.
Yeah, I'd much rather be single. I will be anyway, so I am losing nothing in this assertion!!!
#2: Please tell in detail the single most embarrasing/humiliating thing you have ever done.
The year is 1990. My friend Brianne and I have been tapped to read the daily announcements over the loudspeaker to the whole junior high school. As I'm reading, this boy I have a crush on (who coincidentally was in a torid affair with Mama Cumquat 7 years later) comes in and starts doing something, mugging for me or making faces or whatever, I can't begin to remember what it was, which causes me to lose my shit and giggle through the entire thing. Like, crying, silent gasping laughing, to which the Principal ran into the office and took over the duties for me. I composed myself and as my friend and I walk into our first period English class, the whole class stands up to give me a hooting, hollering standing ovation. I am shocked and am the center of attention, which truly, in large group settings, is not my thing, and I start crying. I'm laughing, and I'm a good sport, but bawling.
Coincidentally, we are reading To Kill a Mockingbird in that class. Later that day, I receive a letter from my english teacher (I think the standing O was her idea), talking about how Scout had to learn about stepping into Boo Radley's shoes and even though she's a grown up and a teacher, she'd do well to learn the same lesson. I was further embarrassed by the fact that my teacher felt like she needed to apologize to me via letter. I think I still have her letter.
#3: If you could only have one of the two professions listed for the rest of your life, which would you choose: Mall Santa Claus or the person who screens incoming new porn for the hard core pay per view channel?
Mall Santa. Watching that much porn would give me seisures.
#4: Several years ago, my friend and I were driving to Philadelphia to get a cheesesteak. Halfway through Chicago we saw this billboard that YOU had hung:
It intrigued me so much that I pulled over to take a picture of it, and have been lugging this picture around with me for 14 years now. Please explain it to me.
I don't think I ever told you about this, but when I was in college, I was part of a radical student movement called the Art Students for the Subversion of Color Association and Personification (ASSCAP). We were guerilla artists, aiming to change peoples notions of emotional responses to colors, which for generations were shoved down our throats by jackholes like Vincent "Yellow is the color of Insanity" Van Gogh and Wassily "Colors produce corresponding spiritual vibrations" Kandinsky. We sought to completely change the bourgeois notions of 'spring' and 'summer' colors. We raided Mary Kay parties in ape masks and stole their color draping materials. We wanted to end the concept of being an "autumn" or a "spring." You must have missed the other billboard three miles south, which stated, BLUE IS HOT.
Eventually, the group disbanded after one of our number became a nihilist decided the only true artistic expression could be a white canvas, and also we ran out of pot.
But still, every once in a while, I return to my ASSCAP days, as in my latest photo, entitled: WHITE IS GOING TO CLAW YOUR EYES OUT AREN'T YOU SCARED?
#5 Would you rather live the rest of your life without toothbrushes or whiskey?
Couldn't I repurpose something else in place of my toothbrush? I mean, you aren't saying give up the dentist and flossing and using toothpaste. I know nothing substitutes for whiskey, which reminds me I totally have a headcold and so I'm going to make a hot one right now before I go to bed. Yeah, I'd find barbie hair brushes or something to brush my teeth with. I could do without Oral-b, but not without Jameson. The sweet, sweet water of life.